"they say the owl was a baker's daughter. lord, we know what we are, but know not what we may be." (Hamlet, Act IV, Scene 5)


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Friday, June 21, 2013

Better

I've stuttered, started, and stopped for about a few months now. Feeling ever urgent. That something is different, has changed, and wanting to express it. Give it shape, breathe it life, and make it real with my words. Testify.

But the have words escaped me. They've slipped over my tongue, fell out of my thoughts, and failed to form in my mind. And still this restlessness persists. I can't shake it. Start, stall, stop. Stuck.

I've taken an inventory. I've crossed all the known and familiar emotions off of my list. I'm not any of them. I can't name this new thing I am.

Among other new things in my life I am now a tennis player. I started taking lessons after reading this quote in a New Yorker article:

Atul Gawande, professor of surgery at Harvard Medical School, was watching the Wimbledon tennis tournament on television when he saw star Rafael Nadal's coach urging him on from the sidelines. If one of the world's greatest tennis players has a coach, Gawande asked himself, why shouldn't doctors and teachers?
I was so taken by this observation that I went on to read Gawande's book, Better. It may may have changed my life.

I started taking lessons because I wanted to become a better learner. I wanted to teach myself to be coachable. I wanted to see what could happen if I stopped resisting instruction. I wanted to experience how good I could become if I knew how to hear advice as guidance rather than criticism. In short, I wanted to become better--not just on the tennis court, but in my life. And maybe that's what is happening.

I'm working on my serve. My coach has told me to throw the toss, coil, arch my back, and then shift my weight through my hips, until all of the momentum in my body pulls me forward. It sounds complicated. It sounds like a lot to do in a short moment of time. And in the past, former versions of Jeannette would have backed off probably. Resisted. Stopped before trying. But I'm learning. And I'm getting better. And I'm forgiving myself when I miss. And I'm trying again. And again. And again. And maybe that's what is happening. Approach. Toss. Lean. Shift. Hips. Hit.

Exactly three years ago, in my professional life, I started something new. And today, exactly three years later, I stopped doing it. Powered down, stood up, walked away, and badged out. Good-bye to this space, farewell to this time. I'm on to something different. I'm off to a new challenge. I'm letting the momentum I've built pull me forward. I'm learning to learn. I'm learning to lean. And the hips won't lie.

Over the past few weeks, many people have asked me if I am excited for what's next. Am I nervous about where I'm going? And I'm not. I'm neither of those things. And until this very moment, I didn't know how to describe what I am or what emotion has been swirling for the past few months. But I know now.

This new thing I am. It is not excited. It is not nervous. It is ready. This is what readiness feels like. I am both humble, and assuming, enough to believe that I can be better. And I am ready.

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Eulogy

Good morning, and thank you for attending this service to honor my grandmother. As the Pastor introduced me, my name is Jeannette, and I am Alyce's older granddaughter. On our drive here to Ohio, I told my husband that I wasn't sure what people would expect to hear from me during these remarks. He replied, "People will just expect to hear how you feel." So the remarks I'll share here today are just that and nothing more; how I feel about my grandmother.


... long pause for deep sobbing at the lectern ...

I think every little girl should benefit from the magic of a grandmother like mine. I really though that my grandmother was a Queen. She lived in a faraway land, and she would arrive from the west, in these big cars chauffeured by my grandfather, and it was like she was traveling in a chariot. I remember waking up one year at Christmas and they had arrived while we were sleeping and we couldn't even see the sofa anymore, it was piled so high with gifts. She wore these long flowing bathrobes, and satin slippers, and blue and green eyeshadow, cateye glasses, smelling always of perfume, and carrying a bottomless supply of breath mints in her change purse. My grandmother embodied all of the things a little girl adores.

To me, she was like a goddess. My older son Liam, who is here with me today, has been studying Greek mythology, and I've had the pleasure of learning with him. And my grandmother reminds me most of Athena. For those of you who don't know, Athena was Zeus's favorite child. So favorite in fact, that she was the only child allowed to play with his weapons, including his thunderbolt! And that's who she was to me. As a little girl, she was Athena, with her gentle laugh, costume jewelry, cosmetic mirrors, and the world's softest hands.

Yet, as I grew older, I stopped seeing her through the eyes of a little girl and started seeing her through the eyes of the woman I was becoming. As I learned more about her life, instead of shrinking in import, my grandmother's goddess stature increased with each passing day and she truly became my Athena. Athena, the greek goddess of wisdom.

My grandmother's maiden name is Weisheit, which when translated from the German means wisdom. And if ever there were a person who valued wisdom, it was my grandmother. She was uncommonly educated for her time, and she was unquestionably committed to a lifetime of learning. Over the past week, my brothers, sister, and I have all shared fond memories of sitting at her tiny kitchen table and vigorously debating just about any topic with her. One second she would be challenging my father on the legal ramifications of immigration reform, and the next moment she would be asking my sister about Demi Moore's new haircut. She was an ample conversationalist, and truly, an encyclopedia. She knew just about everything about everything; how to turn a collar, bird species, biblical history, fashion, western civilization, pop culture, medicine, gem stones, opera, and most recently, yoga poses. "Oh come on, Nettie, show me that Warrior 2 again."

In perusing her final scrapbook, I even found an article, with a letter my older brother had handwritten to her, about glacial deposits in the Ohio River Valley. Her mind knew no boundaries. And if it did, she didn't acknowledge them.

In that regard, she was such an enigma to me. She committed the last seventy years of her life to living in a small, rural, town. Without ever learning to drive, it would seem that her world would have gotten smaller and smaller as she aged and her mobility decreased. But to the contrary, her world continued to expand, as she tuned in to the opera, subscribed to the Smithsonian magazine, and collected the world through the travels of her children and grandchildren through postcards, slideshows, and stories. She relentlessly pursued wisdom in whatever form it presented itself.

The other way she was an enigma to me was her SIZE! I found her legal ID card this week, and she was only 4"10'. And, as you can see, my family is a bunch of giants. I mean, we are huge and she was just so small. I just don't understand how such a little person had such a big impact on the world around her. She was truly a giant. She used to joke that she was going to put bricks on our heads to keep us from getting taller than she was. Well, she lost that battle, but she was really, truly, larger than life, bigger than her body ever gave her credit for.


She was such a source of strength and inspiration to me as I tried to find my way in this world. I learned so many things from her. I probably should have told her, but I guess I never did. Through her I learned that a mind must be exercised, and that an active mind is a healthy mind. I also witnessed through her that will must be exercised, and that a willful woman is a force of nature. Through her I observed the tender, and often misunderstood difference, between determination and stubbornness. She taught me how to remain committed to my ideals even in the face of insurmountable odds. She also taught me about commitment.

My grandmother was so committed to her life. She was raised a Pastor's daughter and wore the distinction as a badge of honor. She was unfailing in her commitment to her church and to her faith.

She was committed to her family. She was the Weisheit and Thomas family archivist, collecting photos, newspaper clippings, and other heirlooms dating back to 1872. She loved her husband, and remained committed to him as a young bride while he served in the Pacific Theatre in World War II,as a Marine. She wore her wedding bands every day since his passing in 1984, committed to him through the almost 30 years she spent as a widow.

She followed him to Ohio with her young family in the mid-1940s, leaving behind the only world she ever knew: the bustling metropolis of Pittsburgh during its heyday as the steel city. Her commitment to this land and to this place held her here for another 70 years. Even after her home burned to the ground, she remained. Every now and then she'd get a faraway look in her eye, and say wistfully that while she was gardening she often thought that she might turn over a ring, or a fork, or some piece of her former life, buried in the soil. She'd catch herself in the moment of nostalgia and hope, and slap my knee, laugh it off, and say, "Well Nettie, no sense sitting around here feeling sorry for myself." And that would be that.


She was strong. She was determined. She was committed. And she was never harder on anyone than she would have been on herself.

As a professional woman, I credit my grandmother with bestowing on me those very same character traits to which my success is largely owed. I credit her with blazing the trail that made my life and my career possible. I believe that I am made in my grandmother's image.

To anyone who has ever commented, "Gee Jeannette, has anyone ever told you that you have a really strong personality?" Or, "You're really opinionated." Or, "You're difficult to lead." Or, "You know Jeannette, once you set your mind to something you're like a dog on a bone." Or, "You're a real kick in the pants." I simply smile and reply, "Really? You should meet my grandmother."


In addition to her indefatigable pursuit of knowledge, her dogged determination, and her sense of commitment, my grandmother was also tirelessly devoted to duty and service. When I think of my grandmother, I think of a proud graduate of nursing school in 1933 who dedicated the next 80 years of life to nursing. To my grandmother, nursing was not a degree, it was not a career, it was a calling. A full lifestyle devoted to the caring for, and service of, others. I remember so often being a young girl walking through downtown Coshocton, and so many people would stop us and say, "Oh Alyce, you delivered my children." In fact, it happened this morning in the church kitchen, with two of the volunteers here crediting my grandmother with bringing their children into the world. She always seemed famous in this part of the world; the place where all life began in Alyce's hands.

I have often wondered how many lives she birthed, healed, or improved. And in thinking of her life, I am humbled. I am humbled by what she accomplished and the legacy she leaves. Her influence can't be disguised in my life and in the lives of those I know the best and love the most.


Her sense of duty was passed on to her children, who served in both the Army and the Air Force. Her sense of service lives on in my uncle who, as a volunteer, beautifies and safeguards trails for hikers in America's southwest. Her Promethean nature lives on in my mother, who has served for decades as a nurse, and has given life to countless souls through her position as the manager of the blood bank at Massachusetts General Hospital.

Her full commitment to her family is evident among her four grandchildren; upon whom she bestowed, on each of us, a unique piece of herself.

Her passion for learning and unquenchable thirst for knowledge is in the custody of my older brother, who exercises it everyday as a Professor at one of America's best small colleges, enriching the minds of our nation's next generation of thinkers and problem solvers.

Her healing hands and compassionate heart are hard at work through my younger sister who has brought healing to cancer patients and better nutrition to hospital kitchens throughout Boston and its north shore.

She bequeathed to me her honest curiosity and critical mind, two talents that helped me arrive at a place I never though I would be, the United States Central Intelligence Agency.

Her courageous spirit and fearless commitment to service are staring out from behind my baby brother's night vision goggles through the cockpit of a US Army Black Hawk helicopter.


With these gifts, she's single-handedly made our nation smarter, stronger, safer, and healthier. And rather than be humbled, I want to be proud. I want to feel proud that her legacy is alive and well, and carrying on as she would want. I like to think of her spirit silently and invisibly moving us all towards greatness, fully empowered by the wisdom she carefully deposited in each of us.

She truly was my version of Athena; a beautiful and powerful woman, a protector of wisdom. Her given name was Alyce, meaning noble truth. And hers truly was a noble life, both in her intent and in her actions. Hers was a life well-lived with a full commitment to Christ and service to others. These truths are simple and she lived up to the letter of each word. Alyce Weisheit, the noble truth of wisdom.

Whenever my grandmother would hear something she considered particularly incredulous, she would laugh out loud and exclaim, "Well good night nurse!" I suspect she would scoff at me and say the same thing today, uncomfortable with such a public display of emotion and praise. But today, I get the last word. And I am going to use it to say these final things.

"Grandma, we promise to take good care of these gifts that you gave us. Your father's house has many rooms (John 14:2), and you have picked the finest piece of real estate among them. We'll look for you in Orion's belt, just like you always said. We hope you're together there now with Grandpa. Know that while you were here, you were adored. Know that now you are gone, you are missed. And as you sleep this longest sleep, one last time, I wish you good night, nurse."

Sunday, August 26, 2012

This Is Room Tone

I’m not looking my best. It’s been weeks of travel this summer, culminating in one massive trip with a video crew to film my very first documentary. I’ve been living out of a suitcase since June 28, indulgently eating whenever I get a moment, sleeping at odd hours in whatever time zone I find myself, and rebounding from a terrible haircut. All told, you might see me and say, “Hey friend, you don’t look so good.”

But let me tell you. I might look my worst, but I am at my best. This last seven days have helped me to reclaim everything I have professionally lost since that fateful Tuesday morning in May 2011. The meeting in that office when I saw myself losing my religion, felt my passion for my work seeping from my body, puddling on the floor, while my spirit looked on, crushed. But listen up. I'm back.

Last week, I had the opportunity to see things, learn things, hear things, and experience things that I never considered possible. I met people – smart people, passionate people, creative people, kind people, and people who challenged me, inspired me, and dealt me hope in spades.

But most importantly, I worked with a team of master craftsmen. I was able to observe them, witness them, and was invited into the sanctum of their expertise. I learned about lighting, reflection, sound, frames, color, distance, room tones, warmth, depth, lenses, staging, motion, reflection, and vision. Watching, listening, I felt an immediate kinship with these unapologetic colleagues, to whom the details matter, and for whom getting it right is a non-negotiable.

We spent hours and hours talking about the end product, united in an endless pursuit of excellence. We wrote interview questions, shredded them, started over, reworded them, pinched them, polished them, and perfected them. We lit rooms, wired people, tested for sound, combed hair, mopped sweat, and adjusted collars on people we barely knew. A professional intimacy bred from a shared goal. We filmed interviews, nudging conversations towards answers, reworded responses, solicited for more, better, different ways to get to the perfect sound byte. And when we got it, and tape was rolling, you might have heard the director say, “Jeannette, I can’t see you but I can hear you smiling.”

And later, when I momentarily forgot where I was, and what I was doing there, chattering on about my next bright idea, you might have heard the director say, “Someone tell Jeannette to shut up. We're rolling.”

We chased the perfect shot by climbing ladders, lying under windowsills, perching on top of palettes, and crouching in corners. We waited out delayed flights, ate airplane food, woke to catch trains at 04:00, jammed ourselves into taxis with jump seats, and walked endless miles through warehouses and grasslands. We slept, sitting upright, in vans and trolley cars. Split the bill, pay the taxi, grab the gear, set the wake-up call, fall into bed, meet you in the lobby in the morning. Don’t be late. Look sharp.

It is uncommon to work on a team that shares the same, unspoken, commitment to precision; a team on which it doesn’t need to be said -- our best is the only option. My best. Your best. Nothing less. We couldn’t let each other down, because the shame would have been too great. We work this way because we can, not because we must, and in choosing that, we free ourselves to pursue nothing but our own expectation of brilliance. It's a privilege.

In my professional life, I have so sorely missed this combustion of energy when unrestricted creative minds collide with unencumbered technical expertise. It was a perfect storm. The passionate simplicity of design for total effect.

Last week, I was reminded that work can be fun. Last week I was reminded of the enviable exhaustion that results from a fully engaged mind, and a happy spirit, working in service of something greater than itself. This is why we work.

So, to John and Terry, I thank you. Thanks for including me to the fullest extent possible. Thanks for being patient with my curiosity. Thanks for letting me interrupt your every sentence. Thanks for trusting me with your work. Thanks for not getting angry with me when I walked into the frame by accident. Thanks for listening to me talk about my husband all week. Thanks for not making me sit in the jump seat while I was wearing a dress.

Thanks for making me laugh. Six filets eight buns. Undoubtedly, there should be more weeks like this.

Monday, August 6, 2012

Because You Can't Make It Up (3) August 7, 2012

All things overhead. Because you can't make it up.


1. "I don't think we're going to have a problem unless you bring the duck into the bedroom with you. In which case, pretty safe to say, that we're going to have issues."


2. "Well, my grandmother finally graduated from college and moved out, so that stress is over."


3. "That yogurt looks so good, I wish I could have some but I can't eat sugar."
"Really? That's kind of hard to believe because you're standing in front of me right now sucking on a pixie stick."


4. "How much would you pay me if I came to class tomorrow wearing rubber boots?"


5. "Guess I won't be dancing on your glass ceiling in my stilettos anytime soon."


6. "Jeannette! JEA-NNETTE! Get back in the car! It's rolling away from the drive thru window."


7. "You can now tell people you've been beaten with hot bamboo sticks."


8. "Oh right, like the two of us are gonna want to go a topless bar with you."
"What!? Not a topless bar! A tapas bar, you moron."


9. "Wow! You work a death job? I never heard anyone say that before."
"No. I said I work a desk job - a desk job, not a death job. Come to think of it, there's not much of a difference actually ..."

10. "If I leave now, you will never see me again - never."
"Is that a promise?"


Sunday, July 29, 2012

Who Else?

There's a moment, you know. A moment when everything snaps into focus. A moment you know you will never quite forget, with all your senses captivated, your mind busy memorizing every sensation. A moment when time literally stands still and you can feel it, see it, and you reach out and grab it, claim the moment as your own.


"Do you want to do it, baby?" he asks me.
"I'm not sure," I reply. Hesitant.
"Come on, it will be fun. Ok?" he encourages.
"Ok, but you're driving," I say. Obstinate.


He hands over the credit card and it meets the machine. My eyes, younger, take the receipt, read the tiniest, faintest print, approve the charge, and sign. My hand takes the waiver and signs our names. Both of them. We'll pay for any damages. We won't go out too far. We understand that they are not responsible in the event of accident, injury, or death. Copy all. Yadda yadda. Here's a used life jacket. It conceals my beautiful bikini and I instantly look like a tourist. A dreadful turn of events.


We walk out. My husband in the lead. Always in the lead. Seaweed catches my ankle. I watch him. Easy. He swings one leg over. I approach. He's taller and stronger. I can't quite swing my leg over, so I grab the arm rest, push down, and leap up, springing out of the water, both feet at once, landing on the back of it, like a gymnast sticking a vault.


"I could have pulled it into shallower water for you," says the attendant.
"Why would you do that? I got this," with an air of offense I toss the remark at him, over my shoulder.


My husband, he knows how to operate the equipment. He doesn't need a lesson, but he suffers through it, for the sake of compliance. He isn't listening. I can tell. As soon as the attendant is back on the shore, he pulls the accelerator. Caution be damned. And it begins.


Speed. A throaty roar. A tightened grip around his waist. You were right, baby. This is fun.


We tear off towards the flat line of the horizon with amazing and confident acceleration. Is it any wonder that Columbus thought the world was flat? It's just a continuum, just a flat line that you can never reach. Catch us if you can.


All around us is turbulence. We cut figure eights through the water, we jostle around in our own wake, we straighten and we accelerate more. Holding on tighter. It's time to jump waves.


Picking up speed, we approach, faster faster faster, louder, the engine, and then a roar, and we lift. We rise up as my stomach drops, my body lifts off of the seat, still holding on, silence but for a second, and we're airborne -- until we aren't any longer. And we come crashing down, bouncing off the surface of the water, bouncing and ricocheting, but still holding on. Loud melodious laughter. That laugh that comes from deep in his chest that no one, no one but me, gets to hear. Echoing off the water. And then we're still. Pull the kill switch. Cut the engine. Shhhh.


There isn't anyone else. No other watercraft. No other people. Nothing. Just us. And time stands still. Look around us. Everything is of our own making. The turbulence. The chaos. The adventure. The thrill. The calm. The peace. The partnership. Just the two of us with nothing but salt water as far as the eye can see. And an endlessly flat horizon, tempting us. Inviting us.


"Ok baby. Now you drive," he says as he stands up, steady now, balance, and moves behind me.
"Me?" I ask. Incredulous.
"Yeah baby," he says, "Who else but you?"


I scoot up. I pull the accelerator, lean forward, all in. Determined. Here we go. We race towards the waves, picking up speed, and we're airborne again.


Switching seats one last time, we go faster than ever and we almost dump it. Too far too far too far to the left, and I'm almost thrown off the back. I don't release my grip, so I feel his weight coming with me, but we correct, somehow, without words, we balance it back, and we course correct, and we steady it. And we're still again.


That's how I'll always remember us. That's the memory I choose to keep. Just the two of us, leaping waves and sitting still, drenched in salt water and happiness unrestricted.


Metaphorically, those thirty minutes could be have been our entire lifetime together. Propulsion, force, speed, confidence, arrogance, encouragement, chaos, peace, partnership, balance, and strength. You, me, and an innocent, unsuspecting, jet ski. We gave it the ride of its life.


"Yeah, baby" she smiled, "Who else but you?"

Monday, June 11, 2012

The Carousel

In the final episode of Mad Men, season one, Don Draper talks about nostalgia as translated from the Greek, meaning, “the pain of an old wound”. A delicate but potent emotion, the twinge in your heart that is far more powerful than memory alone. And I can’t agree more with the sentiment.

I have an unrelenting nostalgia for early motherhood. That twinge pulls hard when I think of both my boys learning to walk. I would get down on my knee and open my arms real wide from across the room. They would come toddling towards me in their soft shoes, arms up, gaining speed and then toppling into me. So proud to have arrived at their destination! So proud of their new tricks!

I look at them now, still young but not babies, and I can’t reconcile their growing bodies and lanky legs, the ways in which they move, swagger, and saunter. One wants to be in a garage band. One wants to play Texas hold’em. They both want to learn to cook. And a twinge pulls.

Maybe it’s made worse, as I stand by and witness my adult stepson, embarking on his own great adventure, and my husband so infinitely able and full of grace, as he lets it unfold. All as it is meant to be. He’s calm and confident. And I watch him and I swear that just by taking the phone in his hand he gets larger than life, and while I listen to him talking to his son, I hear his words building strength in us all, so that we don’t collapse under the weight of the nostalgia. And instead of sadness, we are calmed by the inevitability of this next rotation on the carousel. We spin. We spin together from wherever we may be standing on this great wide world.

And so I learn (because he teaches me) that every moment since they first learned to walk, every moment has been a tiny spinning carousel. More about my getting down on one knee and opening my arms, and turning my boys, one degree at a time, so that they can run, move away from me and towards a different destination, arms up, into the great wide world. And on these tiny carousels that we create out of the safety of our arms, there are ups and downs, other passengers get on and off, but it never stops moving. Tiny motions, ever turning. Here … let me show you the way, point you towards it, ease your condition, guide you, love you, release you, protect you, honor you, welcome you home. The motion is delicate, and with each potent degree turned, the nostalgia lessens and confidence replaces pain, the twinge pulls less as the pride swells, and the carousel spins.

In the same episode, Don Draper says this about the carousel, “It’s a place where we ache to go again, to travel like a child travels, around and around and back home again to a place where we know we are loved.” And with that, I am hopeful that my children -- all of them -- know that as their carousels endlessly spin into infinite adventures, at its center, unmoving and steadfast, is home.


Thursday, June 7, 2012

Because You Can't Make It Up (2) June 8, 2012

I had to leave some great quotes on the cutting room floor this week. I'm trying to keep the list to a maximum of ten, all of which were overhead, spoken directly to me, or arrived in conversation via text, email, or Facebook. They're all real. Did YOU -- or someone you know -- make the list?


1. "We want to show you something we've been working really hard on for the past three weeks. We're really psyched about it. Here, take a look. What do you think?"

"Oh, you'll have to explain it to me. What is it?"

"Um, it's a bingo board."


2. "The zombie apocalypse? Ha ha ha."


3. "Liam, I'll worry about cleaning up this room while you worry about cleaning up your act."


5. "Why aren't you texting me back? Are you asleep?"


6. "And a little later, we'll do a propane torch demonstration."


7. "This is what happens when you do it wrong; bad things, not good things."


8. "I trusted you because you're foxy."


9. "They're just going to collapse under the vast weight of the future anyway."


10. "I'm sorry. Her hair is simply beyond."

"One word. Sideburns."

"I know. Aren't the called lambchops?"


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